v<* 


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LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF 
CALIFORNIA 

SAN  DIEGO       i 


MONOLOGUES 


MONOLOGUES 


BY 

BEATRICE   HERFORD 


WITH    PICTURES    BY 

OLIVER   HERFORD 


CHARLES   SCRIBNER'S   SONS 
NEW  YORK       -       -       -       1908 


COPYRIGHT.    1907,    1808,   BV 

BEATRICE  BROOKE  HAYWARO 

PUBLISHED   MAY,    19O8 


All  acting  rights,  both  professional  and 
amateur,  reserved  by  Beatrice  B.  Hay- 
ward.  Performances  forbidden  and  right 
of  representation  reserved.  Any  infringe- 
ment will  be  prosecuted  by  the  author  in 
accordance  with  Section  4966,  United 
States  Revised  Statutes,  title  60,  chapter 
3,  which  imposes  damages  of  not  less  than 
one  hundred  dollars  for  the  first  and  fifty 
dollars  for  every  subsequent  performance, 
or  if  the  performance  is  wilful  and  for 
profit,  imprisonment  for  a  period  not  ex- 
ceeding one  year.  Application  for  right  of 
performance  must  be  made  to  the  author. 


S.   W.   H. 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I.  A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 3 

II.  THE  BAZAAR 27 

III.  A  LADY  PACKING 49 

IV.  PIAZZA  LADIES 71 

V.  THE  COUNTRY  STORE 97 

VI.     A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 121 


PICTURES 

PAGE 

"Preserve  me  from  fitting  one  of  those  old  god- 
desses again" 9 

"You  can't  tell  which  way  that  child's  going"  .     .  15 

"Now,  there's  just  one  place  here" 19 

"The  waitresses  are  all  in  Greek  costume"  ...  31 

"  Yes,  it  would  be  lovely  for  ferns  " 35 

"Don't  you  want  to  count  this  for  us?"   ....  41 

"Do  you  think  this  lace  blobbs  out  too  much?"     .  51 

"You're  simply  covered!  I  always  say  she  doesn't 

brush  under  there,  and  now  I  know"      ...  57 

"Now,   how   can  a   train   get  part  way  and  then 

change  to  Monday?" 65 


PICTURES 

PAGE 

"I'm  perfectly  sure  of  it,  it  used  to  be  as  dark  as 

mine" 77 

"If  you  can  tell  me  what  she  sees  in  that  young 

man,   I  wish  you  would" 83 

"Well,  perhaps  that  old   lady  don't  wish    to   be 

rocked" 87 

"He's  acquainted  to  all  the  houses,  and  he  gets 

talkin'  to  the  folks" 101 

"I  never  seen  him,  but  I  hear  he  left  on  Tuesday"   in 

"I  guess  that's  from  Abbie  Morris.      I  didn't  know 

she'd  gone  away" 117 

"Where    my   sister   boards    she    says    the    table's 

splendid" 127 

"My  brother's  children  are  dreadful"     .     .     .     .131 

"But   he    shut   the    door  right  in   their  faces — I 

thought  it  was  awfully  rude" 135 


I 

A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

JJORNING-dull  day,  ain't 
it  ?  Don't  know  as  it'll  act- 
ually rain,  but  I  brought 
my  umbrella  in  case  it 
!•  should.  (Drops  her  um- 
brella and  picks  it  up.}  That's  all  right, 
no  harm  done  -  these  ivory  handles  do 
break  so!  Pretty  handle,  ain't  it?  I 
don't  care  for  it  myself  -  I  like  a  good 
round  handle  that  you  can  get  a  grip  on 
myself  -  but  my  husband  took  a  fancy 
to  that  ivory  monkey,  and  of  course  being 
a  birthday  present  I  wouldn't  say  any- 
thing and  didn't. 

3 


MONOLOGUES 

I'll  just  lay  off  my  things.  (Unbuttons 
long  cloak  and  takes  it  off,  also  gloves, 
hat  and  veil.)  Those  the  goods  you've 
got  to  trim  with  ?  Ain't  very  pretty,  are 
they  ?  Maybe  they'll  make  up  pretty  - 
we'll  see;  and  I  don't  believe  there'll  be 
enough  either  -  but  you  can  run  right 
down  and  get  some  more,  if  there  ain't. 
(Folding  up  her  veil.}  They  get  so 
mussy  if  you  don't  fold  'em  up. 

Did  I  leave  my  apron  ?  Oh,  yes,  there 
it  is  --  don't  look  very  good  -  kind  of 
mussy,  but  no  matter.  Now  I'll  go  right 
to  work  on  the  skirt  -  we  got  on  so  nicely 
with  it  the  other  day  -  maybe  I  can 
finish  it  right  up.  Needle  and  thread  ? 
(Bites  off  thread  and  threads  needle.} 
Why,  there's  my  thimble!  (Goes  to  work 
at  the  skirt  on  her  knee.} 
4 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

My  goodness!  these  goods  are  going 
to  fray  dreadfully !  What  say  ?  They 
told  you  they  wouldn't  at  the  store  ?  I 
know,  that's  what  they  always  say.  My 

niece  is  in  a  dry-goods  store. 

Yes,  the  one  that  had  her  finger  taken  off 

last  year. Yes,  indeed,  she 

misses  it  considerably;  but  she  says  they 
go  on  that  principle.  The  manager  of 
her  store,  he  says  it's  no  good  telling 
any  one  the  worst.  But  she  ain't  like 
that  at  home  -  she's  brought  right  up  to 
the  truth,  the  whole  family  are  -  they're 
just  as  nice  as  they  can  be. 

Of  course  I  go  down  there  as  often  as 
I  can  -  but  I  can't  go  down  as  often  as 
she'd  like.  She  says  "come  down  Mon- 
day." I  says  Monday's  an  inconvenient 
night  for  me.  She  says  "  how's  Friday  ? " 
5 


MONOLOGUES 

I  says  Friday  I  can't  come  down.  So 
she  says  "come  down  some  Sunday." 
Well,  I  says  Sunday  my  sister  and  her 
husband  usually  come  up.  He's  kind  of 
tired  the  first  part  of  the  day,  but  the 
last  of  the  afternoon  he  gets  spirited  up, 
and  then  they  come  up  our  way.  And 
I'm  real  glad  to  have  'em.  She  says 
"come  when  you  can."  I  says  I  will 
and  do.  She's  real  nice. 

She   tells   me    Mrs.    Tyler's    daughter 
never'll  be  any  better.  -  Why, 

you  know  Mis'  J.  S.  Tyler,  up  on  the 
hill  -  -  yes,  that  one.  She's  got  a  lot  of 
daughters  and  they're  all  at  some  art  or 
other.  And  this  one  -  of  all  things  - 
she's  taken  up  sculpturing!  As  I  told 
her  mother,  it  ain't  no  thing  for  her  to 

do  -  I  presume  it  takes  a  master  hand  to 
6 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

handle  one  of  those  marble  figures,  but 
she  would  do  it.  She's  undertaken  a 
great  big  one  -  and  she's  broken  right 
down  under  it. 

For  my  part  I  ain't  partial  to  statuary 
-  of  course  I  know  it's  a  beautiful  gift  - 
kep'  in  the  garden  -  -  that's  the  place  for 
it.  When  you  once  begin  bringing  those 
marble  figures  into  the  house,  there's  no 
end  to  it.  I  think  there's  nothing  pleas- 
anter  or  more  appropriate  than  to  come 
around  a  low  bush  or  shrub  right  into 
the  presence  of  one  of  those  figures. 
There's  some  folks  I  presume  no  amount 
of  book  study  will  bring  to  a  realizing  sense 
of  those  ancient  gems,  but  brought  up  sud- 
den with  'em  that  way  you  never  forget  it. 

I  don't  go  as  far  as  my  sister  does  - 
she  wouldn't  have  one  for  anything! 
7 


MONOLOGUES 

Well,  they  did  have  one,  now  I  come  to 
think  of  it.  They  didn't  mean  to,  but  if 
I  recollect  rightly  they  got  it  in  a  lottery 
at  a  fair  -  and  when  they  put  in  their 
money  they  thought  they  was  putting  it 
in  for  a  pair  of  those  life-size  stuffed 
owls  on  a  frosted  ground,  but  when  it 
come  home  it  was  this  figure  of  a  - 
(bites  off  thread)  well,  I  shouldn't  call 
her  a  lady,  myself. 

But,  as  I  told  my  husband,  those  old 
goddesses  were  brought  up  quite  differ- 
ent from  what  we  are  -•*  and  there's  no 
good  making  a  fuss  about  it  now  and  I 
wouldn't  be  the  one  to  begin. 

But  sister  felt  terribly  about  it  and 
she's  very  handy  with  her  needle,  and 
you  know  I  am  -  so  I  went  down  there 

one  day  and  together  we  rigged  her  up 
8 


"Preserve  me  from  fitting  one  of  those  old  goddesses  again." 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

a  real  neat  kind  of  a  tea-gown.  But 
preserve  me  from  fitting  one  of  those 
old  goddesses  again.  My  goodness -fit! 
there  ain't  no  fit  to  it. 

Your   folks   all    well  ? — What    say  ?— 
Who  ? — Your     brother  -  my     goodness! 
You   don't    say — down   all  those  stairs  ? 
Must   be    considerable    of    a    bump.— 
Back  stairs  ? — My,  I  always  think  they're 
the  worst.     I  heard  of  a  boy  the  other 
day  just  about  the  age  of  your  brother, 
similar     case  -  back     stairs    and    all.— 
What  say  ?     Oh,  I  ain't  going  to  tell  you 
about  it  -  it'll  only  discourage  you. 

Getting  on  nicely,  is  he  ?  I'm  glad  of 
that  -  that's  what  they  thought  about  this 
boy,  but  he's  never  been  the  same  since. 
Some  say  he  never  was  the  same  before, 
I  don't  know  how  that  is.  Did  you 


ii 


MONOLOGUES 

ever  try  a  fish  poultice  ?  Never  did  ? 
Yes,  indeed,  it's  fine  for  anything  with  the 
head  -  you  see  my  husband  being  in  the 
fire  department,  we're  quite  up  in  bumps. 
Yes,  indeed,  it's  a  grand  profession! 
but  it  takes  a  sight  of  courage.  When  he 
went  into  it  he  said,  "  I  shall  have  to  take 
courage,"  and  has.  And  he's  very  brave 
about  it  -  although  I  think  he  goes  too 
high.  I  said  to  him  the  other  night,  I 
says,  ain't  three  or  four  stories  high 
enough  for  you  to  go  with  a  wife  and 
children  ?  But  he  didn't  answer.  I  says 
I  sha'n't  ask  again,  and  didn't.  It  is 
wearing,  too, — the  way  that  man's  hair 
has  come  out  the  last  year!  My  good- 
ness, it's  awful  to  see.  Of  course,  I  don't 
feel  like  bothering  him  about  it  too  much, 
but  I  feel  I  must  speak  about  it  from 

12 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

time  to  time.  So  I  said  to  him,  I  says, 
Mr.  Mooney,  do  give  it  a  chance,  try  a 
little  of  Dr.  Higgins's  Hair  Enticer.  But 
he  didn't  answer.  As  I  say,  he's  taken 
that  way  sometimes.  I  presume  he  gets 
it  from  his  father,  and  I  concluded  to 
stop  urging,  and  have. 

But  my  goodness,  I  ain't  got  no  cause 
to  complain — he's  real  good.  Now,  if 
he  was  like  my  sister's  husband!  I  don't 
know  what  I  should  do.  Yes,  stingy- 
well,  stingy  ain't  in  it!  He's  awful,  but 
she  gets  along  nicely,  better  than  a  good 
many  would.  She's  so  handy  with  her 
needle — makes  the  children's  clothes 
and  all  that.  Of  course,  they  don't 
always  look  just  right,  but  still.  - 
Now  she's  just  made  her  little  boy  his  first 
little  pair.  Well,  of  course,  it's  a  beau- 
13 


MONOLOGUES 

tiful  spirit,  but  my  goodness  you  can't 
tell  which  way  that  child's  going. 

She's  very  handy  with  her  paint-brush, 
too, — didn't  you  know  that  ?  Yes,  in- 
deed -  she's  got  a  complete  command 
over  the  paint-brush  that  few  have. 
She's  just  finished  an  elegant  flower 
piece.  I  never  saw  anything  like  it, — 
it  has  the  image  of  most  every  flower  I 
ever  saw  or  heard  of  -  and  more  too.  I 
said  to  her  when  she  was  all  through — 
she  always  wants  me  to  look  it  over — 
I  says,  well,  I  think  it's  lovely  but  there's 
only  one  thing:  I  never  saw  a  blue  tulip. 
Well,  says  she,  I  never  did  either,  but  it 
looked  so  nice  in  with  those  peonies  and 
other  things  so  I  thought  I'd  leave  it, 
'cause  you  never  can  tell  what  they  have 
in  Europe.  Well,  I  says,  that's  per- 
14 


"You  can't  tell  which  way  that  child's  going." 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

fectly  true  and  I'd  leave  it  'cause  that 
dew-drop  on  it  is  going  ahead  of  Nature. 
It  had  a  glisten  to  it  that  you  don't  often 
see  on  a  real  dew-drop. 

Now  I'm  going  to  drape  this  on  you  if 
you'll  stand  up.  That's  a  nice  skirt 
you're  taking  off,  I  hope  this  one  will 
hang  as  well.  (Hands  the  skirt  and  takes 
the  other,  laying  it  over  the  back  of  a 
chair.}  Look  out  for  your  hair!  No, 
it's  that  second  hook  -  no,  the  second. 
Don't  bust  it  out  now — it's  only  basted. 
Now  if  you'll  just  step  off  and  I'll  get 
some  pins.  (Gathers  up  some  pins  from 
the  table,  puts  them  in  her  mouth  and  in 
the  front  of  her  dress.} 

That's  right.  Step  off  a  little  more, 
please,  and  turn  slowly  -  keep  turning  - 
round  to  the  left  -  no,  to  the  left.  (Stands 
17 


MONOLOGUES 

off  with  her  head  on  one  side  looking  at 
the    skirt.)     Mrs.    Billman's    little    girl's 

real   pretty,   have  you   seen   her  ? 

Whose  eyes  ?  She's  got  one  of  father's 
and  one  of  mother's.  Yes  they's  real 
pleased.  Yes,  they've  named  her  - 
'Manda,  sweet  name,  ain't  it? — Middle 
name  ? — No,  well  his  folks  were  set  on 
one,  but  her  folks  didn't  want  it,  and 
they'd  have  these  fearful  arguments  about 
it -they  go  down  there  Sundays;  so 
finally  they've  made  a  compromise  and 
put  in  an  initial.  She'll  be  Amanda  G. 
Billman.  It  looks  well  and  it's  pleasant 
all  round.  And  if  they  think  of  any- 
thing to  go  with  the  G.  after  a  while, 
they  can  put  it  in.  That  dips  a  little 
bit  on  that  side.  (Takes  pins  from  her 
mouth  and  pins  round  the  band.)  Now, 
18 


"Now,  there's  just  one  place  here." 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

there's  just  one  place  here.  -  (Puts  a 
pin  in  and  starts  suddenly.)  Was  that 
you?  Well,  I'm  real  sorry -you  must 
tell  me  when  I  prick  you.  Now  that's 
going  to  look  real  nice  -  what  say  ? — No, 
my  dear,  you  couldn't  have  that  a  mite 
fuller.  I'm  skimped  as  it  is  -  that's  what 
comes  of  being  stingy  with  the  goods. 

Now  you  can  slip  that  off,  and  I'm 
going  to  run  over  to  my  sister's  to  lunch. 
—Oh,  you're  very  kind  -  but  I'd 
rather  go  over  there  because  I  want  to 
see  her  new  house  -  she's  got  most 
settled  and  it's  going  to  be  real  nice. 
She's  got  some  elegant  wedding  gifts. 
(Taking  up  her  cloak  and  putting  it  on.} 
Some  things,  of  course,  I  don't  care  for 
myself -still  it  ain't  my  house,  so  it  ain't 
for  me  to  say.  She's  got  a  good  many 


21 


MONOLOGUES 

duplicates  and  that's  always  awkward. 
(Puts  on  her  bat.}  I  should  think  they've 
got  as  many  as  six  inkstands  and  they 
ain't  a  writin'  family  at  all.  But  I  pre- 
sume they'll  use  some  of  'em  for  standin' 
flowers  in  -  you  can  do  that.  Did  I  have 
a  veil  ?  They  blow  round  so  -  oh,  here 
it  is.  That's  all  right.  (Puts  on  veil  - 
looks  for  her  gloves,  takes  them  from  cloak 
pocket  and  puts  them  on.} 

But  she's  got  two  things  I  do  admire. 
They're  a  pair  of  mantel  ornaments  that 
beat  anything  I  ever  saw  -  a  pair  of  those 
china  dogs  taken  as  young  spaniels  in 
opposite  directions.  There's  one  taken 
this  way,  looking  off,  with  the  spaniel 
ear  falling  in  repose  and  touched  with 
orange,  and  the  other  one  the  same, 
looking  the  other  way — those  rich 

22 


A  SOCIABLE  SEAMSTRESS 

spanielled  ears.  Then  they  have  those 
gold  chains  and  lockets  around  the  neck 
just  nestling  in  the  fur — they  look  so 
neat  on  a  dog.  Well,  I  think  they're 
quite  exceptional  in  every  way — they 
have  a  far-away-off  look  in  the  eyes,  too, 
that  they  don't  often  catch  in  china. 
My  umbrella,  I  mustn't  drop  it  this  time. 
(Takes  up  umbrella.}  And  then  their 
tails,  well,  I  didn't  go  around  to  the  back, 
but  I  presume  they're  there  and  touched 
with  orange.  Well,  I  must  run,  I'll  see 
you  later. 


THE   BAZAAR 


II 


THE  BAZAAR 

(Scene:    The  Fancy   Table) 

OW  do  you  do  ?  I  hope 
you're  going  to  buy  lots 
of  things.  -  -  Oh,  you 

don't  want  men's  things, 
you  want  things  to  give  to 
ladies.  Now  here's  a  lovely  sachet-bag, 
isn't  that  sweet  ?  -  -  No,  of  course 

you  wouldn't  know  what  to  do  with  it, 
but  you  can  give  it  to  your  mother  or 
Ida.  -  -  Oh,  what  an  unnatural 

brother!  -  It's  only  two  dollars.  - 
You  mean  thing!     Now,  here's  an  awfully 

pretty  pen-wiper  -  -  you  don't  ?     Why,  I 

27 


MONOLOGUES 

couldn't  get  along  without  a  pen-wiper. 
Yes,  you  might  as  well  take 
the  sachet-bag  -  -  oh,  that's  good.  Two 
dollars  more,  Ethel.  Now  you  have  got 
started,  you're  all  right.  Don't  you  want 
a  sofa  pillow  ?  -  -  Well,  you  are  very 
lucky,  we  never  have  too  many. 

Yes,  that's  very  pretty,  isn't  it  ?  - 
Well   it   would    do    for    either.  -       You 
will  ?     Oh,  that's  fine!     They  are  so  hard 
to  get  rid  of.     They  are  the  sort  of  thing 
nobody  wants. 

Have  you  seen  these  pictures  of  the 
Rector  ?  The  frames  are  really  very 
handsome,  and  you  can  put  another 
picture  in  if  you  like. 

How  do  you  do  ?  How  are  you  get- 
ting on  ? Oh,  that's  good.  We're 

doing   very   well;     all   those   ugly   baby 

28 


THE  BAZAAR 

jackets  have  gone,  except  that  fearful 
purple-and-red  one,  and  I  think  Mrs. 
Tucker  will  take  that,  she's  rather  blind 
you  know. 

Well,  have  you  found  anything  else 
you  like  ?  How  about  a  paper-cutter  ? 
-  Well,  you  can't  have  too  many 
paper-cutters,  can  you  ?  I  think  these 
are  very  cunning  things,  so  odd,  such  a 
good  idea.  -  -  Oh,  they  are  just  meat 
skewers  gilded  and  a  bow  tied  on  them 
-  don't  you  know,  when  things  get 
stuck  in  anything  and  you  want  some- 
thing sharp  pointed,  they're  called  poker- 
etts.  -  -  Oh,  you're  hopeless.  I  am 
sure  your  mother  would  be  delighted 
with  them. 

Too  bad  she  couldn't  have  the  auto- 
graph-book table.  Have  you  seen  it  ? 
29 


MONOLOGUES 

They've  got  a  great  lot  of  books.  I 
sent  twelve  copies  of  the  "Tormentor" 
to  Richard  Haverley  to  write  his  name 
in,  I  mean  her  -  it's  a  woman,  you  know. 
I  heard  she  was  sick  in  bed  and  I  thought 
it  would  amuse  him  to  pass  the  time 
writing  in  them.  Now  don't  you  want 
this  afghan  ?  I  know  your  mother  likes 
green,  it's  really  awfully  cheap  for  ten 
dollars.-  -Now,  that's  fine!  What 

a  lovely  new  ten-dollar  bill!  Thanks 
ever  so  much.  Yes,  that's  all  right. 
Don't  you  want  me  to  wrap  them  up 
for  you  ?  -  -  Oh,  you  are  ?  All  right  - 
yes,  I'm  glad,  I  hate  doing  up  bundles. 
Good-by. 

Ethel,  look,  he  took  that  awful  afghan 
of  Mrs.  Harris's.  Won't  she  be  de- 
lighted ? 

30 


"The  waitresses  are  all  in  Greek  costume." 


THE  BAZAAR 

No,  the  cake  and  candy  table  is  'way 
over  there  next  to  the  lemonade.  I  think 
that  lemonade  pump  is  the  most  splendid 
idea,  the  little  boys  are  all  crazy  about  it. 
Oh,  Mrs.  Brown,  how  much  do  you 
think  I  ought  to  mark  this  for  ?  - 
Yes,  it  has  just  come,  I  don't  know  what 
it's  for,  but  it's  rather  pretty  and  it  looks 
very  useful  -  -  no,  Edith  made  it. 
She  said  she  had  the  velvet  and  the  se- 
quins and  her  mother  gave  her  the  lace. 
What  do  you  think  ?  —  two  dollars  and 
a  half?  All  right. 

Hello,  Jessie,  pretty  bazaar,  isn't  it  ? 
Have  you  been  to  the  tea  garden  yet  ? 
It's  awfully  pretty  -  -  no,  thanks,  I 
can't  leave  now,  you  ought  to  see  it 
though,  it's  great,  the  waitresses  are  all 
in  Greek  costumes.  They  look  so  lovely, 
33 


MONOLOGUES 

but  poor  Miss  Hibley  has  spilt  salad 
down  the  front  of  hers  -  such  a  pretty 
idea  -  lobster  -  -  oh,  they've  tried  it,  it 
only  rubs  it  in. 

Oh,  Mrs.  Tucker,  there  you  are.- 
Yes,  there's   just  one   left,    pretty    little 
jacket,  isn't    it  ?  -          -  Yes,   it's  rather 
bright  but  it  seems  warm,  doesn't  it  ?  - 

-  How  old  ?  -          -  Well,  if  it's  little 
it  will  grow  into  it,  and  if  it's  big  they 

pull  over  somehow,  don't  they  ? 

Thank  you.  Now,  is  there  anything  else 
you'd  like  ?  Did  you  see  this  rustic 
stove  ?  It's  so  original,  you  put  pots  of 
flowers  in  the  holes  and  then  some  kind 
of  a  vine  in  the  back  and  twine  it  up  the 
pipe.  -  -  I  don't  know  where  it  was 
made.  Mrs.  Dale  sent  them,  she's  very 
much  interested  in  that  kind  of  thing — 
34 


"  Yes,  it  would  be  lovely  for  ferns. 


THE  BAZAAR 

this   is   the    only    one    that's   left.     Mrs. 
Baker   took  one,   she's    crazy  about    it. 

-  Yes,  it  would  be  lovely  for  ferns. 

-  Oh,  yes,  I  can  do  it  up  nicely  in 
some  tissue  paper,  I  can  put  it  in  a  box. 

-  Yes,   it's   two   seventy-five.     I'll 
put  the  jacket   right  in   the   stove  - 
there,  now  that'll  be  very  easy  to  carry, 
the  stove  is  very  light.  -        -  Thank  you 
ever  so  much. -    -Yes,  that's  your  change. 

-  Who  ?  -     -  Young  Mrs.  Fry  ?  Yes, 
she's   on   the   kitchen   table,   she's   in   a 
cook's   costume,  it   suits   her   splendidly 

-  well,  you  know  what  I  mean. 
Tommy  Hooper!     You  boys  must  not 
run  against  this  table  like  that.     Dorothy, 
don't  touch  those  frames,  darling,  your 
fingers  are  so  sticky  -  -  they  are  two  dol- 
lars -  -  no,  I   don't  think   I've  got  any- 
37 


MONOLOGUES 

thing  for  ten  cents.  -  -  No,  that 
necklace  is  three  dollars.  Don't  touch 
it  -  -  no,  we  haven't  any  necklaces 
for  ten  cents.  Now,  Tommy,  you've 
knocked  down  that  picture,  don't  pick  it 
up,  you'll  get  it  covered  with  candy. 
Dorothy,  you've  got  a  piece  of  peanut  brit- 
tle right  in  your  hair,  -  -  I  don't  know, 
we  haven't  counted  lately.  -  -  I  say 
I  don't  know,  we  haven't  counted.  Now 
run  away,  you  can  get  a  grab  for  ten 
cents,  Dorothy. 

We  might  count  the  money  again, 
Ethel,  there  must  be  a  lot  more  by  this 
time.  You  count  the  silver,  and  I'll 
count  the  bills  -  -  well,  you  count 
the  bills,  then,  and  I'll  count  the  silver. 
We  shall  have  to  have  a  bigger  box  soon. 
Goodness!  There  is  hardly  any  change! 
38 


THE  BAZAAR 

What  has  happened  ?  There  was  such  a 
lot.  -  -  Of  course,  it's  in  the  bills. 
But  it  never  seems  the  same,  does  it  ? 
Well,  here's  a  dollar  eighty  and  I  owe  the 
box  fifty-seven  cents,  I'll  call  it  sixty,  it 
will  be  easier  to  add.  (Counts.)  Sixty  and 
a  dollar  eighty  are  what  ?  Two  sixty  ? 
No,  two  thirty!  -  -  You're  sure  it's 
two  forty  ?  -  -  All  right,  now  how  many 
bills  have  you  got  ?  -  -  Why,  my 

dear,  there  must  be  more  than  that, 
we  had  eighty-five  dollars  ever  so  long 
ago,  and  I  sold  that  rustic  stove  since 
then,  and  those  baby  jackets,  and  heaps 
of  things,  and  that  awful  afghan.  Let 
me  count;  ten  and  ten  is  twenty,  and  five  is 
twenty-five,  and  ten  is  -  -  well,  I  guess 
I'll  count  all  the  tens  first  and  then  the 
fives  -  -  please  don't  talk  to  me.  - 

39 


MONOLOGUES 

Oh,  there  comes  Captain  Carter,  make 
him  buy  that  sofa  pillow  -  -  tell  him 
Miss  Farley  made  it.  (Goes  on  count- 
ing.) -  Ethel,  I've  got  too  much 

now.  We  couldn't  have  had  a  hundred 
and  fifty  dollars,  could  we  ?  -  -  Oh, 
Captain  Carter,  are  you  good  at  count- 
ing? Don't  you  want  to  count  this  for 
us  ? Oh,  thanks  ever  so  much  - 

-  don't  talk  to  him  while  he  is 
counting  -  -  don't  you  hate  to  be  talked 
to  when  you're  counting?  I  do,  I  can't 
count  very  well  anyway  and  if  any  one 
talks  to  me  -  -  oh,  excuse  me,  I'm 
awfully  sorry.  -  -  Didn't  you  skip 
then  ?  Weren't  there  two  fives  sticking 
together  there  ?  I  thought  I  saw  - 
no,  I  see  -  -  all  right,  don't  let  me  inter- 
rupt you.  -  -  Have  you  been 
40 


Don't  you  want  to  count  this  for  us?" 


THE  BAZAAR 

to  see  the  vaudeville  yet  ?  -  -  -  Oh,  ex- 
cuse me!  I  was  afraid  you  hadn't  heard 
about  it.  They  say  it's  very  good.  - 
You  make  it  a  hundred  and  thirty,  do 
you  ?  I  should  think  it  was  all  right, 
don't  you,  Ethel  ?  That's  fine,  oh,  no,  we 
don't  want  to  count  it.  I  guess  that's  all 
right,  thank  you  ever  so  much,  you've 
been  so  good  we  won't  make  you  buy  a 
thing. 

Oh,  do  you  really  want  that  sofa  pillow  ? 
-Yes,  we  can  add  five  dollars  to 
thirty  all  right.  -  -  Oh,  yes,  we've 
been  awfully  busy.  -  -  Yes,  Mrs. 
Harris  and  Miss  Newton  are  on  this 
table  too,  but  it's  rather  hard  on  us,  they 
keep  going  off  to  have  their  fortunes  told 
or  have  some  ice  cream,  and  we  have  to 
do  all  the  work.  -  -  Why,  we  would 

43 


MONOLOGUES 

simply  love  to,  Captain  Carter,  but  we 
can't  leave  now,  you  see. 

Those  are  fifty  cents  -  -  yes,  they 
are  very  pretty,  aren't  they?  Those  are 
a  dollar  fifty.  -  -  Yes,  for  the  pair. 
-  Ethel,  how  much  is  this  squash-pie 
pincushion  ?  -  -  Oh,  yes,  three  dol- 
lars, you  can  use  it  for  a  paper-weight 
too.  Yes,  I  think  those  candlesticks  are 
very  pretty.  Did  you  see  that  little 
racing-car  saltcellar  ?  That  ought  to 
appeal  to  you.  -  -  Oh,  yes,  I  for- 
got, they  have  all  gone;  it's  too  bad,  they 
were  awfully  cunning.  Mrs.  Hibbard 
sent  those,  she  sent  the  racing-cars  and 
those  copies  of  "The  Simple  Life"  too. 
She  said  if  the  racing-cars  weren't  sold, 
she  wanted  them  all  back,  I  don't  think 
she  cared  about  the  other  things. 

44 


THE  BAZAAR 

Well! -Did  you  ever  know  anything 
like  those  people  ?  They  never  bought  a 
thing,  they  are  as  bad  as  Kitty  Morrison. 
-  Why,  you  know,  Captain  Car- 
ter, she's  so  stingy  she  won't  buy  anything, 
so  she  comes  with  a  lot  of  packages 
all  done  up  and  every  one  who  isn't  on 
to  it,  thinks  she's  bought  a  lot  of  things. 

Oh,  Mrs.  Harris,  are  you  going  to  stay 
here  ?  Because  we've  been  invited  to  go 
and  have  some  ice  cream.  There's  the 
money-box,  and  there  isn't  much  change, 
but  you  can  often  make  people  take  a 
few  more  things  to  make  their  money 
come  out  even.  And  Mrs.  Richards 
owes  two  dollars  for  the  things  she  got, 
so  if  she  comes  you  will  know,  and  you'd 
better  mark  down  anything  you  think 
you  can  sell.  There  are  more  of  those 
45 


MONOLOGUES 

tomato  paper-weights  under  there  if  you 
want  them.  They  aren't  marked,  they're 
two  dollars.  And  Mrs.  Allen  says  those 
plush  thermometers  are  accurate.  And 
if  Mrs.  Williams  comes,  tell  her  I've  put 
her  baby  jacket  in  the  pulpit,  with  her 
cake  and  rubbers. 


46 


Ill 

A  LADY  PACKING 


Ill 

A  LADY  PACKING 

(An  elderly  English  lady  packing  her  trunk.     Her 
niece  is  helping  her.} 

OW  my  dear,  we  really  must 
get  this  box  done.  I  sha'n't 
feel  comfortable  till  I'm 
packed.  We  will  put  every- 
thing on  the  bed  first,  and 
then  we  shall  know  where  we  are. 

Oh!  first  I  want  you  to  tell  me  about 
these  caps,  some  one  else  can  often  judge 
better.  I  will  just  put  it  on.  --  What  do 
you  think  ?  Do  you  think  this  lace 
blobbs  out  too  much  ?  -  -  Yes  I  thought 
so,  but  I  don't  know,  I  think  I  can  stand 

49 


MONOLOGUES 

it.  Would  you  move  the  bow  ?  — 
Round  to  the  back  ?  -  -  Oh,  no!  Not  to 
the  back,  if  I  moved  it  at  all,  it  would  be 
the  slightest  bit  to  the  left.  That's  all 
about  that  one. 

Now  there's  this  one:  what  do  you 
think  ?  I  want  you  to  tell  me  just  what 
you  think,  do  try  and  express  an  opinion. 
Is  it  just  a  little  too,  -  -  a  little  too  dressy  ? 

-  with  both  the  gold  walnut  and  the 
geraniums  ?  -  -  Yes,  I  know,  that's 
what  you  always  say,  but  I  can't  wear 
black  velvet  all  the  time,  I  must  have  a 
change  -  -  What  do  you  say  ?  —  No,  I 
never  saw  a  gold  walnut,  any  more  than 
you  did,  but  it's  a  very  good  one  and  you 
wouldn't  like  a  raw  one  on  a  cap!- 
Yes,  my  dear,  I  shall  leave  those  gera- 
niums, I  must  have  some  color.  I  should 
50 


"Do  you  think  this  lace  blobbs  out  too  much?" 


A  LADY  PACKING 

think  I  have  had  those  geraniums  on  one 
thing  and  another  for  twenty-five  years. 

-  What  do  you  say  ?  -  -  You  should 
think  it  was  time  what  ?  I  wish  you 
would  finish  your  sentences,  it  is  a  very 
rude  trick  you  have.  Now  what  do  you 
think  about  this  one  ?  Do  you  think 
that  hangs  down  too  much  ?  -  -  Yes,  I 
thought  so,  but  I  don't  think  I  should 
like  it  any  shorter. 

Now  the  next  thing  is  -  -  shall  I  take 
all  three  ?  --  Oh!  I  must  have  that  one! 

No,  I  can't  do  without  that  either, 

-  -  it  isn't  a  quesiton  of  those  two,  it's 
just  a  matter  of  all  three.  What  do  you 
think  ?  I  can't  need  them  all  three.  - 

Do  you  think  so  too  ? Yes,  I  think 

you    are    quite    right  —  still  -  -  perhaps 

it's  safest,  it  can't  do  any  harm  at  any 

53 


MONOLOGUES 

rate.  -  -  Yes,  I  had  better  take  all 
three.  Thank  you,  dear,  you  are  a  great 
help! 

Now,  we  mustn't  dawdle,  we  must  get 
the  things  in.     We  can  put  them  in  quite 
loosely,    there   is    plenty   of    room.  - 
Yes,  my  dear,  I've  been  in  this  box  be- 
fore, I  know  there  is. 

Now  there's  the  bell!  Well,  I  can't  see 
any  one.  Would  you  just  see  who  it  is, 
please  ?  I  can't  see  any  one  -  -  unless 
it's  one  of  them.  (Mumbles  to  herself, 
moving  about  the  room.  The  niece  re- 
turns.} 

Come,  come,  my  dear,  we  shall  never 

get  done  if  we  don't  keep  at  it. Did 

I  ?  -    -  So  I  did.     Oh,  I  beg  your  par- 
don.    Well,  who  was   it  ?  -    -  Now,  my 
dear,  that  is  stupid,  I  would  have  seen  her! 
54 


A  LADY  PACKING 

-  Well,  that's  what  I  meant  when  I 
said  I  wouldn't  see  any  one.  -  -  Well, 
never  mind,  I  dare  say  you  did  your  best. 
Now,  I  want  you  to  put  everything  in, 
it  does  make  one's  back  ache  so  bending 
over. 

Put  the  boots  in  first,  we  will  lay  a 
foundation  of  boots.  Let  me  see,  I  must 
give  you  these,  and  I  will  put  on  the  old 
ones.  Wait  a  minute,  I  had  better  just 
find  the  old  ones  first.  Oh,  dear!  Where 
are  they  ?  I  expect  they  have  got  behind 
something,  how  tiresome  of  them!  I 
dare  say  they  have  got  under  here,  I'm 
afraid  you'll  have  to  go  under.  - 
Well,  I  am  very  sorry,  my  dear,  I  would 
go  under  myself,  if  I  were  ten  years 
younger.  -  -  What  do  you  say  ?  -  - 
Well,  my  dear,  say  you  don't  want  to  go, 
55 


MONOLOGUES 

but  don't  say  they  are  not  there.     Look 
out   for  your  head !  -  -  Are   they  there  ? 

-  Will    you    have    a    candle  -  -  or    an 
umbrella  ?  -      -  Well,  it  is  very  strange, 

-  I'm    sure    I    could    find    them.  - 
Well,  if  you're  quite  sure,  -    -  of  course, 
you   have   the   advantage   of  me,  being 
under.  -      -  You    had    better  come   out, 

-  come,  dear,  come  out  if  you  are 
coming!  -  -  Oh,  my  dear  girl!  You 
are  a  sight!  You're  simply  covered! 
Well,  I'm  glad  you've  been  under  though. 
I  always  say  she  doesn't  brush  under 
there,  and  now  I  know. 

Well,  I  shall  have  to  put  these  in  after- 
ward, they  are  old  ones  and  they  will 
turn  up  at  the  end. 

Now  let  me  see  what  I  can  be  doing, 
I  don't  want  to  bend  over,  but  I  like  just 
56 


;  You're  simply  covered!     I  always  say  she  doesn't  brush 
under  there,  and  now  I  know." 


A  LADY  PACKING 

to  be  doing  something.  Oh,  I  know,  I 
will  write  a  label,  and  then  that  will  be 
all  ready.  (Sits  down  at  the  table.}  Now, 
whatever  is  the  name  of  that  little  sta- 
tion we  get  out  at  -  -  the  one  that's  just 
near.  You  must  know  —  the  little  sta- 
tion—  quite  a  little  one.-  -Oh,  dear! 
You  ought  to  know.  -  -  What  do  you 
say  ?  -  -  I  shouldn't  ask  you  if  I  could. 
It's  quite  a  little  place  -  -  you  know. 
-  They  know  the  station-master  so 
well,  his  wife  is  their  cook  -  -  made  such 
good  soups  out  of  nothing  -  -  you  must 
remember.  -  -  I  always  thought  you  had 
a  better  memory  than  I  had,  but  you 
don't  seem  to  have  any  lately.  It  is 
rather  a  pretty  little  station  -  -  has  the 
name  done  in  pink  shells  in  a  bed  at  one 
side.  -  -  No,  I  know,  but  I  thought  that 
59 


MONOLOGUES 

if  you  would  try  to  see  it  as  it  looks,  you 
might.  (Closes  her  eyes.}  Can't  you  see 
them  ?  The  kind  they  do  fish  in.  You 
know,  they  had  it  the  first  night  we  were 
there,  and  poor  Maria  choaked  so  -  -  I 
wish  she  would  have  it  looked  at,  I  am 
sure  there  is  something  wrong,  the  slight- 
est crumb  does  it  -  -  it  begins  with  G  -  - 

Cooling  —  Gullborough  -  -  Garnley 

What?  That's  it!  Hillside!  I  knew  it 
was  something  like  that.  Oh,  what  a  re- 
lief! You  must  really  try  to  cultivate 
your  memory  though.  It's  a  good  plan 
to  learn  some  short  passage  every  day. 

Now,  what  about  these  vases  ?  We 
had  better  settle  about  these  at  once, 
stupid  things  to  ask  one  to  bring.  I 
told  her  I  was  very  glad  to  take  them 
for  her,  but  I  didn't  want  to.  What 
60 


A  LADY  PACKING 

do  you  say  to  putting  each  one  in  a 
pair  of  stockings  ?  -  -  In  what  ?  -  -  Oh, 
no!  I  sha'n't  do  that!  I  did  that  once 
before.  -  -  I  was  in  a  hurry,  and  Mary 
was  helping  me,  and  she  said,  "Put 
it  in  your  body."  It  was  one  I  was  going 
to  wear,  when  I  got  there,  I  wore  it  the 
first  night  -  -  it  was  a  lamp  chimney, 
and  I  had  to  throw  the  whole  thing 
away  -  -  I  couldn't  get  the  pieces  out. 
I  thought  they  were  out  —  I  wore  it  at 
dinner  the  first  night,  and  I  felt  this 
pricking  sensation  -  -  I  had  to  ask 
them  to  excuse  me  and  go  and  take  it 
off.  I  had  to  throw  the  whole  thing 
away,  I  couldn't  get  the  pieces  out,  it's 
very  aggravating  to  lose  your  body  like 
that  when  the  rest  is  quite  good  -  -  of 
course  I  had  the  bones,  but  still  -  -. 
61 


MONOLOGUES 

Now,  by  the  way,  what  am  I  taking  ? 
I  had  better  know  what  I  am  taking. 

-  Let  me  see I  shall  have  the 

black  on,  and  then  if  I  take  the  alpaca 

and  the  good  silk .  Yes,  my  dear, 

I  am  going  to  take  that  good  silk.  You 
know,  dear,  when  I  got  it,  I  hardly  wore 
it,  it  was  so  nice  -  -  and  then  they  said 
it  was  getting  old-fashioned  and  so  I  had 
it  done  up,  and  then  it  was  as  good  as 
new,  so  I  have  rather  kept  it.  But  now 
I  am  determined  to  get  the  wear  out 
of  it. 

Now  I  expect  you  are  tired,  dear,  -  - 
well,  we  will  keep  on  until  it's  done. 

I  think  I  will  just  try  to  find  the  train 
now,  while  you  keep  on,  because  that  is  so 
difficult,  and  then  it  will  be  over. 

Now,  where  is  that  Bradshaw  ?   I  think 

62 


A  LADY  PACKING 

you  had  it,  my  dear.  -  -Oh,  so  I  did! 
Here  it  is.  Now  then  -  -  Hillside,  542. 
Oh,  dear!  It's  got  a  star!  You  know 
that  one  we  took  to  go  to  Brighton 
the  other  day  had  a  star,  and  we 

had     such    difficulty. Hillside  -    -. 

Now  there's  no  star  here!  They  really 
ought  to  stick  to  one  thing  or  the 
other  -  -  Now  let  me  see  - 

Charing  Cross  -  -  Waterloo  —  Cannon 
Street — London  Bridge!-  -How  can 
it  go  from  all  those  at  once!  -  -  What  ? 

-  Oh,    I    see  -  -  But    it  doesn't    say 
which  one  is  best   for  me.  -     -  Which  ? 

-  Charing  Cross  ?    Oh,  all  right,  dear, 
it  makes  no  difference  to  me,  those  big 
stations  are  all  just  as  muddling. 

Now  here's  a  good  one,    eleven-forty, 
-  eleven-forty-eight  -       -  twelve-two 
63 


MONOLOGUES 

—  twelve-eighteen twelve  - 

Now  my  dear,  it  doesn't  get  there!  A 
great  pity  too,  they  ought  to  let  that  one 
get  there,  it's  such  a  good  one.  Now  let 
me  see,  what  is  the  next  ? Twelve- 
twelve  -  -  now,  why  do  they  put  it 
twice  over  like  that  ?  -  -  Oh,  yes,  of 
course  -  ~  twelve  minutes  past  twelve. 
Well,  now  that  goes  part  way  down,  and 
then  it's  Mondays  only.  Now,  how  can 
a  train  get  part  way  and  then  change  to 
Monday?  —  Supposing  it  was  Friday 
-  would  it  be  the  Monday  following, 
or  the  -  -.  Well,  I  shall  just  have  to 
look  at  the  arrivals,  I  must  get  there  at 
any  rate,  whatever  happens. 

Let  me  see,  it's  so  hard  to  look  across 

quickly,    four-twenty that's    a    nice 

one,  just  in  time  for  tea.     Now,  what  time 
64 


"Now,  how  can  a  train  get  part  way  and  then  change  to  Monday?" 


A  LADY  PACKING 

does    it   start  ?     I  will    work    back  - 
four-twelve  -        -  four-three  -       -  three- 
fifty-one  -    -  three why,  it  doesn't 

start!     You  see  those  that  go  don't  get 
there,  and  those  that  get  there,  don't  - 

-.  Well,  really  I  give  it  up,  you 
will  have  to  see  when  you  have  finished, 
if  you  can  find  one  that  goes  and  gets 
there  both,  I  can't. 

Dear  me,  I  feel  quite  exhausted,  I  will 
just  go  and  get  a  bite  of  something,  and 
you  keep  on.  But  don't  lock  the  box. 
You  see  it's  only  Tuesday,  and  I  don't  go 
till  Saturday. 


67 


IV 
PIAZZA  LADIES 


IV 
PIAZZA  LADIES 

(Comes  on  to  the  piazza,  yawning.      Pushes  a  chair 
forward  and  talks,  leaning  on  the  back  of  zV.) 


ELL, 


how 


Mrs.  Upton, 
many  afghans  have  you 
knitted  since  lunch  ?  - 
Oh,  I  don't  pretend  to  be 
anything  else.  I'm  just  like 
a  child  -  if  you  want  me  to  be  good- 
tempered  you  must  let  me  have  my  nap 
every  day.  Especially  after  a  lunch  like 
that!-  -Wasn't  it?-  -Well  I  wish 
you  would;  I've  made  up  my  mind  sev- 
eral times  to  speak  to  her.  Now  she  has 
nothing  to  do  but  to  see  to  the  comfort  of 
71 


MONOLOGUES 

the  people  in  this  house,  and  it  isn't  as 
if  they  were  all  tough  -  now  those  the 
other  day  were  very  good  -  so  it  shows 
they  can  when  they  like. 

There's  only  two  weeks  more  anyway! 
I  shall  have  to  be  looking  after  my  winter 
clothes  just  as  soon  as  I  get  back.  Who 

do  you  have  ? Do  you  ?  Did  she 

make  that  you've  got  on  ?  -  -  Is  that 
so?  Well,  I  suppose  you  wouldn't  trust 

her  with  anything  nice! No,  I 

have  a  Miss  Harkins,  she's  real  nice. 
The  beauty  of  her  is  -  -  she's  slow — but 

she  fits  elegantly! No,  I  send  it  up 

to  her.  Yes,  isn't  it  a  comfort  ?  It  takes 
my  appetite  away  to  have  some  one  sitting 
there  eating  and  saying  nothing. 

Gladys,  you   are   not  to   do  that. 

Because!     Do    you    hear    what    I    say? 
72 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

When  Mamma  says  "because"  she  means 
it.  -  - 1  can't  make  that  child  mind  a 
bit-- 1  might  as  well  give  it  right  up. 
And  that  new  nurse  I've  got,  hasn't  much 
control  over  her. 

Do  you  have  trouble  getting  girls  ?  - 
Is  that  so  ?  -      -  Well,   I  wish   I   hadn't 

I    had  six  cooks   the  three  weeks 

before  I  left  the  city!  And,  as  I  say, 
that  nurse,  she  isn't  very  satisfac- 
tory. I  wanted  her  to  do  waiting,  and 
anything  like  that  if  the  parlor  girl  was 
away.  I  told  her  what  I'd  require  of 
her  -  cleaning  the  silver,  dressing  the 
salad  - 1  like  a  nice  polish  on  it,  and  all 
that  -  and  she  said  "  I  don't  care  to  go 
so  deep  into  waiting." 

But  those  cooks  were  the  worst!     We 
thought  we  were  going  to  take  a  cottage 
73 


MONOLOGUES 

then;  one  of  them  wouldn't  go  because 
she'd  heard  the  bathing  wasn't  good,  and 
the  other  was  learning  to  wheel,  and  some 
one  told  her  the  roads  were  bad.  I 
never  knew  anything  like  it,  and  I  shall 
have  to  get  a  new  waitress  when  I  get 
back. 

Girls  are  so  inconsiderate;  you  do  for 
them  all  the  time,  and  they  won't  put 
themselves  out  at  all  for  you.  Now  that 
waitress  I  had  last  fall  -  --  Yes, 
wasn't  she  ?  Well,  you  can't  go  by  looks. 
She  was  all  right  when  she  came,  then 
she  developed  this  terrible  toothache,  and 
I  got  her  some  "pain-killer."  I  was  ex- 
pecting company,  I  couldn't  have  her 
going  to  the  dentist's  then.  -  -  Don't  you 
know,  they  always  come  back  with  them 
all  out  and  look  so  awful  at  the  table, 
74 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

and  then  her  mother  died !  I  was  having 
that  large  lunch Why,  Mrs.  Up- 
ton, I  did! — I  sent  it — I  wrote  all  the 
addresses  myself.  Well,  you  were  on  the 
list  —  why,  I  can  show  you  -  no,  I  tore 
it  up  -well.  You  know  me  well  enough. 
It's  absurd,  we  won't  say  anything  more 
about  it. 

Well,  the  lunch  was  on  Tuesday,  and 
I  had  asked  her  if  she  thought  her  mother 
was  likely  to  get  worse  or  anything,  and 
she  said  -  -  or  else  I  misunderstood 
her,  but  I  thought  she  said  -  -  they 
thought  she'd  get  better.  If  it  had  been 
Wednesday!  Well,  as  I  told  her,  she 

couldn't    do    anything of   course   I 

was  sorry  for  her  -  -  and  then  the  ice 
cream  didn't  come!     It  did  seem  as  if 
everything  was  against  me. 
75 


MONOLOGUES 

Gladys,  stop  kissing  that  dog!  I  don't 
want  you  to  give  it  another  kiss  -  -  well 

-  just  one,  behind  the  ear,  but  not  on 
the  mouth!  -  -  Why,  it's  that  Mrs. 
Carter's  dog  that  sits  at  your  table. 

Don't  you  know  her? Oh,  you  do! 

-  is  she  ?     Pleasant is  she  ?  - 

Oh,  nothing,  nothing.  I  -  -  yes,  I  used 
to  know  her  -  -  run  away,  Gladys! 
(Bending  over.}  I  don't  know  as  I  ought 
to  speak  of  it.  (Whispers.}  You  see  it 

isn't  as  if (Whispers  again.}     And 

then  the  way  she  -  -  (Whispers.}  Oh,  my 
dear,  I'm  perfectly  sure  of  it,  it  used  to 
be  as  dark  as  mine! 

(Turns  suddenly.}  Oh,  good-morning! 
We  were  -  just  -  talking  about  you.  What 
a  lovely  day  it  is!  Have  you  been  in 

to-day  ?  -     -  Was    it  ? Now,    that's 

76 


"  I'm  perfectly  sure  of  it,  it  used  to  be  as  dark  as  mine!" 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

what  I  told  Gladys!  the  water  was  cold! 
I  didn't  want  she  should  go  in,  but  she 
would  do  it.  I  think  that's  the  cutest 
bathing  suit  of  yours!  I  don't  see  how 
you  thought  of  it!  I'll  tell  you  who  has 
a  pretty  suit,  that's  that  Miss  - 
what  is  her  name  ?  No,  she  doesn't  go 
into  the  water.  How  homely  that  gray 
suit  is!  -  -  Your  sister?  -  -  Oh,  no, 
I  know  your  sister,  oh,  I  didn't  mean 

that   one that  brownish  gray  - 

-  Oh,  I  wish  I  could!  I  used  to 
bathe,  but  since  I've  had  this  heart 
trouble  —  and  then  I  have  these  terrible 
headaches.  Now,  the  other  afternoon 

-  you  see  I  can't  plan  for  anything  - 

I  wanted  to  go  with  that  party  to  the 

Golden  Cascade  —  they  say  it's  elegant 

-  -  but  my  head  was  splitting,  it's  twenty 

79 


MONOLOGUES 

feet  wide  and  covered  with  golden  moss, 
so  you  can  imagine  I  didn't  feel  much 
like  it. 

Why  don't  you  bring  up  a  chair  and 
join  us?     Oh,  don't  go;    must  you?  — 

-  Oh,  are  you  ?    Well,  you've  got  a 
treat  before  you.     Good-by. ! 

Do    you     suppose     she     heard  ? 

Well,  how  loud  were  we  talking,  not  any 

louder  than  we  often   talk. Well,  I 

don't  care  if  she  did. Isn't  she! 

-  Why,    there's    no    fit   to    the  back 
at   all!     Where    did    she    say    she   was 
going  ? Oh,  yes,  to  see   those   pict- 
ures.    We    ought    to   go    to    see    those. 

-  -  Why,  yes,  don't  you  know  ?  —  that 
young  arsist  is  exhibiting  them  in  the 
parlors  of  the  Mashersquammit  House. 

He  sits  at  our  table.     I  think  he  will  be 

80 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

a  great  artist  some  day  -  -  I  never  saw 
any  one  eat  so  much  melon!  He's  real 
ambitious.  I  think  it's  awfully  interest- 
ing to  sit  right  at  the  table  with  artists 
like  that,  see  them  eat  and  everything. 
He  has  very  high  ideals,  he  says  he  wants 
to  paint  the  seven  largest  landscapes  in 
the  world.  I  hope  he  will. 

I  want  a  landscape  ever  so  much. 
But  I  would  just  as  soon  have  a  small 
picture.  I  want  one  to  go  over  where  the 
water  leaked  through  in  my  sitting  room. 
I  wanted  one  of  those  portraits  by  that 

-  there's    another     name     gone.  - 
You  know  -     -  he   paints   such   elegant 
satin,  and  then  he  will  have  lace  on  it, 
and  I  don't  see  how  they  get  that  real 
look  of  the  satin  -  showing  through  the 

holes  of  the  lace. 

81 


MONOLOGUES 

But  he  charges  so  much!  Five  hun- 
dred dollars  a  figure!  I  don't  know  but 
what  a  child  would  be  less,  or  two  children 
come  to  the  same,  but  I  know  that's  his 
price  for  adults.  But  those  artists  are 
so  grasping  -  -  why  I'm  sure  the  can- 
vas can't  cost  much  -  -  -  and  the  paint 

.     Well,   they  talk   about  the  profit 

on  automobiles!  I  went  to  see  him  about 
painting  mother,  we  thought  we  would 
have  her  painted  -  --  I  really  didn't 
feel  as  though  we  could  pay  that  for 
mother.-  -Yes,  my  husband's  mother. 
So  I  told  him  she  always  wears  a  long 
shawl  -  -  you  know  -  -  he  wouldn't  have 
to  paint  her  arms,  I  thought  maybe  he'd 
take  them  off,  but  oh,  no!  And  I  was 
perfectly  willing  she  should  sit  side 

face  —  it's  quite  customary  to  her  to  sit 

82 


"If  you  can  tell  me  what  she  sees  in  that  young  man,  I  wish  you  would." 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

that  way.  But  he  wouldn't  hear  of  any 
reduction,  so  I  sent  him  a  little  note,  per- 
fectly polite  note,  of  course,  saying  we 
were  going  away  and  shouldn't  have  it 
done  that  spring. 

There!  There  goes  one  of  those  Rem- 
son  girls  -  -  do  you  like  that  hat  ?  That 
parrot's  wing  and  those  bluets,  and 
that  orange  chiffon  and  violets!  Well, 
that's  it  —  it's  too  much.  If  it  didn't 
have  that  red  bow.  Well,  if  you  can 
tell  me  what  she  sees  in  that  young  man, 
I  wish  you  would.  -  -  Is  that  so  ?  - 
Well  they  say  they  are  not  -  -  well,  her 
mother  is  coming  down  next  week.  - 
Oh,  yes  indeed,  I  believe  in  chaperons. 
Gladys  will  always  have  a  chaperon. 

I  guess  they  haven't  one  in  the  parlor 
now,  did  you  ever  hear  such  a  noise  ? 
85 


MONOLOGUES 

Oh,  it's  that  Mr.  Edwards.  He's  going 
round  getting  up  a  concert,  I  guess 
they're  practising  for  it.  He's  going  to 
try  and  get  that  Miss  Wadley  to  sing  - 
I  don't  believe  he  will  have  much  trouble, 
do  you  ? 

And  that  young  lady  that  sits  over 
there  by  the  window  is  going  to  recite. 
-  Who  said  so  ?  -  -  -  Oh,  no, 
she's  a  professional,  look  at  her  hair! 
They  say  she  does  Shakespeare  charac- 
ters finely.  I  presume  she  alters  them 
for  the  parlor.  She  can  do  two  charac- 
ters right  together  -  -  I've  never  seen 
her,  it's  only  what  I've  heard.  Now, 
she'll  take  Romeo  and  Juliet  for  in- 
stance, and  she  has  this  drapery,  and  she 
stands  one  way  and  she's  Juliet,  and  then 

with  a  sweep  of  the  arm  she  turns  the 

86 


"Well,  perhaps  that  old  lady  don't  wish  to  be  rocked." 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

other  way  and  she's  Romeo,  it  must  be 
lovely. 

Gladys,    come    off   the    back   of  that 
chair!     Come  right  here  to  me.  - 
Well,  perhaps  that   old   lady  don't  wish 
to  be  rocked. 

I  love  reciting,  don't  you  ?  I  heard  a 
little  girl  recite  the  other  day  -  -  won- 
derfully. What  was  the  name  of  the 
piece?  It  was  something  like  "Saved 
on  the  Track"  -  no,  that  wasn't  it.  Well, 
anyway  there  was  this  engine,  and  the 
child  leaped  —  no,  the  engineer  leaped 

-  no,  the  mother.  -  -  Well  anyway 
somebody  leaped,  and  it  was  very  im- 
pressive! -  -  No,  she's  not  going 
on  the  stage  at  all;  she's  just  a  private 
child. 

Gladys!     Gladys!     That  child's  never 
89 


MONOLOGUES 

around  when  you  want  her.  Oh,  there's 
Dicky  Prescott,  I'll  ask  him.  Dicky 
Prescott!  Dicky!  Isn't  he  sweet  ?  I  think 
he's  the  dearest  little  boy  in  the  hotel. 
Darling,  don't  you  want  to  go  and  find 
Gladys  for  me  -  -  You  don't  ?  Why,  I 

should    think    you'd    love    to! All 

right,  no  matter,  I  don't  want  you  to.    I 

wouldn't   have  you  for  anything. 

Why,  Dicky,  you  mustn't  answer  like  that 

-  why,  that's  rude.  Take  that  stick 
away!  Stop!  Why  you're  a  rude  little 
boy!  Isn't  he  awful  ?  I  think  he's  horrid, 
I  always  did. 

There's  Gladys,  thank  goodness  she's 
not  like  that.  Come  here,  dear.  Come 
here,  Gladys,  come  right  to  me !  Do  you 
know  if  the  train  is  in  yet  ? — Oh,  yes, 

it  is,  there's  Papa  now.  -    -  No,  Gladys, 
90 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

you're  not  to  run  and  meet  him.     Come 

back!     Gladys,    Glad ,    well!     The 

gentlemen  are  so  hot  when  they  come 
home  and  she  hangs  on  to  them  so.  Of 
course  they  say  they  like  it  —  and  then 
she  thinks  she'll  get  candy.  I  wish  she 
wouldn't  eat  so  much,  but  she  will. 

Now,  who's  that  with  Mr.  Springer? 
It's  my  brother!  No,  it's  not  —  it's - 
yes!  Well,  don't  speak  to  me!  No,  it's 
not  that  one  -  -  worse,  my  dear.  You 
know  I  told  you  about  them busi- 
ness, my  dear,  business.  Thank  good- 
ness, his  wife's  not  here!  (Gets  up 
smiling.)  How  do  you  do!  I'm  real 
glad  to  see  you!  But  where  is  Mrs. 
Fowler  ?  -  -  Is  that  so  ?  Well  that's  too 
bad,  she'll  have  to  come  another  time. 
Don't  you  think  it's  pretty  here  ?  - 
91 


MONOLOGUES 

Do  you  think  so  ?  Why,  we  think  there 
are  so  few.  But  they  don't  bite  me  any- 
way, so  I  don't  care.  I  don't  need  to 
ask  if  it's  been  hot  in  the  city  to-day! 
-  Oh,  you  look  all  right!  But  Mr. 
Springer  always  comes  home  a  perfect 
sight  -  would  you  believe  that  collar  had 
ever  had  any  starch  in  it  ?  And  you 
didn't  get  your  hair  cut!  Isn't  he  awful  ? 
And  you  didn't  bring  that  basket  of 
fruit!  I've  been  looking  forward  to  it 
all  day.  Oh,  did  you  mail  that  letter  I 
gave  you  ? — You  did  ?  Oh,  what  shall 
I  do?  He's  awful  about  letters,  he 
never  mails  them  —  and  I  forgot  to  put 
the  sample  in  —  and  I  counted  on  his 
not  mailing  it  —  you  see  you  can't  count 
on  him  at  all.  Isn't  he  terrible  ?  I 

hope  you're  not  like  that,  Mr.  Fowler. 
92 


PIAZZA  LADIES 

Oh,   excuse   me  -  Mrs.   Upton,  you've 
heard  me  speak  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Fowler 

-  Mrs.  Upton  -  Mr.  Fowler,  Mr.    Fowler 

-  Mrs.  Upton.      (Turns  to  Mr.  Springer.} 
Well,   is   there   any  news  ?     Don't  sit 

down!  There  isn't  time  —  you've  got 
to  go  and  dress  for  dinner.  -  -  You're 
tired  ?  Tired  ?  Just  sitting  in  that  office 
all  day!  -  Tired!  Well,  I  wish  you'd 
just  stay  at  home  with  me  one  day,  and 
you'd  know  what  tired  meant.  Gladys, 
give  that  ear-trumpet  back  to  Mrs.  Rem- 
son,  my  dear! 


93 


V 
THE  COUNTRY  STORE 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 


OOD  mornin',  Miss  Cum- 
mins -  -  Yes,  ain't 
it  cloudy?  But  I  think 
likely  it  will  fair  away,  it's 
looked  so  dreadful  dark  all 
the  forenoon,  I  was  'most  afraid  it  was 
settin'  right  in  for  a  rain.  -  -  Yes,  we 
have  had  a  sight  of  bad  weather  lately. 
I  think  along  the  first  of  the  summer  it 
didn't  seem  to  be  so  bad,  but  I  was  sayin' 
to  my  sister  this  mornin'  it  seems  to  me 
we've  had  day  after  day  of  real  bad 
weather.-  -Oh!  yes  indeed,  that  is 
awful,  and  you  can't  do  anythin'  for  it. 
97 


MONOLOGUES 

My  cousin  had  it,  she  suffered  for  years 
but  she  couldn't  do  nothin'  for  it,  and 
I've  had  a  good  deal  of  it  myself.  There's 
things  you  can  do,  but  it  ain't  lastin'. 

You  did  ?     Yes  ?    Well,  I  never  heard 

of  that,  I  presume  it's  very  good. 

It   wasn't? It    didn't? No, 

that's  so.  -  -  You  did  ?  Well,  I've 
heard  of  that  and  they  say  it's  very  -  - 

It    wasn't  ?  -        -  It    didn't  ? No, 

it's  just  as  I  say,  there's  nothin'  lastin'. 
They  say  sweet  things  is  awful  bad  for 
it,  but  now  I  ain't  great  for  sweet  things. 
I  don't  make  no  use  of  sugar  in  my  tea 
or  coffee. 

Well,  there's  nothin'  else  you's  wantin', 

Miss    Cummins,   was    there?     If   those 

buttons  ain't  a  match  you  can  bring  'em 

back  and  I'll  change  'em — if  they  ain't 

98 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 

off  the  card.  -  -  Yes  that's  a  nice  but- 
ton. It's  more  serviceable  than  a  bone 
would  be,  and  yet  it  ain't  so  heavy  as  a 

cloth  button. It's  a  real  neat  button. 

-  Yes,  it's  a  lady-like  button. 

I  give  your  mail  to  the  Jones  boy  to 
carry  up,  Mr.  Atkins.  There  was  a 
postal  card  from  Sarah  and  two  papers. 
-  No,  we  ain't  got  that.  We 
never  carried  it,  but  we  will  have  it.  I 
guess  we'll  have  it  by  the  end  of  next 
week,  or  the  first  part  of  the  week  after. 
There's  so  many  of  them  cereals,  I  think 
if  you  kep'  all  of  'em  some  one  would 
come  in  and  ask  for  a  different  kind. 

-  I  don't  think  they  amount  to  much 
anyway.  -  -  I  think  the  reason  folks  like 
the  taste  of  'em  is  'cause  there  ain't  no 
taste  to  'em. 

99 


MONOLOGUES 

I  sha'n't  be  able  to  send  your  goods 
around  till  late  in  the  afternoon.  You 
see,  we  ain't  got  no  boy  yet.  Abel  Innes 
does  considerable  for  us,  but  he  can't  do 
nothin'  till  school  lets  out,  and  he  don't 

get  around  very  smart he  ain't  real 

brisk and  then    he's   acquainted  to 

all  the  houses,  and  he  gets  talkin'  with 
the  folks.  Now  yesterday  I  sent  him 
with  a  basket  of  goods  to  Miss  Parker's 
and  I  wanted  he  should  come  right  back 
and  carry  over  some  linseed  meal  to  Miss 

Allen's  folks. They  was  waitin'  for 

it  to  poultice  her  aunt.  I  don't  know  as 
you  know  how  sick  she's  been.  She  and 
her  sister  expected  to  go  away  last  Sat- 
urday. The  doctor  wanted  she  should 
wait  over  a  few  days.  Her  sister's  had  a 
real  hard  cold,  she  can't  seem  to  get  rid 

100 


"He's  acquainted  to  all  the  houses,  and  he  gets  talkin'  with  the  folks." 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 

of  it,  and  he  wanted  they  should  wait 
until  the  open  cars  was  taken  off.  Some 
folks  can  throw  off  anythin'  like  that  real 
easy,  but  she  ain't  strong  anyway.  So 
when  he  got  to  Miss  Parker's  he  says  she 
was  tryin'  to  get  her  horse  down  in  the 
pasture,  and  he  thought  he  ought  to  help 
her,  she'd  always  been  so  kind  to  his 
mother.  He  don't  mind  sayin'  what  he's 
been  doin'.  But  we'd  like  some  boy 
from  out  of  town.  -  -  Yes,  that 

last  boy  we  had  was  real  good,  he  was  a 
handy  size,  too,  he  could  reach  down 
anythin'. 

Do  you  care  for  any  of  these  rubber- 
neck lamp   mats  ?     They're   real   pretty 
-  they're  made  out  of  this  cotton  bat- 
tin*  plaited  up  and   tied  with   pieces  of 

worsterd.  -     -  You    see    you  can  pull  it 
103 


MONOLOGUES 

out  large  around  the  lamp,  or  fit  it  around 
snug.  They're  somethin'  quite  new. 

Good -afternoon,  Miss  Capen. 

-  No,  your  pattern  ain't  come  yet. 
It  was  skirt  and  coat  pattern,  wasn't  it? 

Why,  I  thought No,  I  guess  it 

was  Miss  Summer's  pattern  that  come. 

Yes,  hers  come  last  week or  the 

first  part  of  this  week  -  -  I  don't 
recollect  now.  I  wonder  how  she's  mak- 
in'  out.  She  come  in  Friday  and  said  she 
was  havin'  trouble  with  the  coat,  she  cut 
the  skirt  first.  Hers  was  a  five-gore 
skirt,  if  I  recollect  rightly,  but  the  coat 
didn't  seem  to  be  satisfactory,  she  says 
it  hitched  right  up  in  the  back. 

Them  dress  patterns  is  splendid.  I 
told  her  she  must  have  cut  the  goods 
wrong,  or  else  they're  wearin'  'em  that 
104 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 

way  this  season.  It's  real  hard  to  get  a 
good  set  in  the  back,  I  think,  anyway. 
I  think  Miss  Neal  usually  gets  a  nice 
back.  Do  you  recollect  Miss  Tracy's 
winter  sacque  ?  It  set  sweetly  in  the 
back,  and  I  think  for  a  best  dress,  goin' 
in  the  cars,  or  wearin'  to  meetin',  folks 
notices  the  back  more  than  the  front 
anyway.  They  say  a  great  many  has 
the  coats  boned  now.  Miss  Perry  had  a 
bone  in  her  back  but  she  had  it  took 
out  -  -  she  didn't  like  the  looks  of  it. 

Did  you  want  to  get  the  goods  for  your 
suit  now  or  wait  till  your  pattern  come  ? 
-  -  I've  got  a  lovely  piece  of  goods 
here   I   think   you   might    like.      It's    a 
real  soft  piece,  it's   a    kind  of   a    plaid, 
and  yet  it  ain't  real  defined.  - 
Yes,    it's    nice-feelin'    goods,    ain't    it? 
I05 


MONOLOGUES 

It's  a  nice,  heavy  piece  of  cloth,  and  yet 
it's  a  light-weight  goods.  I  think  that 
would  look  handsome  with  some  of  them 
morey-silk  reveres  and  some  of  them  jet 
buttons.  They  do  say  sleeves  is  to  be 
large  again  at  the  top.  Miss  Sibly  says 
she's  changed  a  pair  of  hers,  and  they 
look  fine;  she's  took  this  part  and  put 
it  right  up  at  the  top,  and  she  says 
they're  just  in  style. 

I  won't  have  your  cranberries  till  the 
last  of  the  afternoon,  Sam.    Could  you  call 

in     for    'em    then  ? Oh, 

they'll  be  nice  ones.     How  were  those 

eggs-? were?    well,    it's    too    bad. 

They're  real   scarce. No,  that's 

so,    they've   got    to    have    a    rest    some 

time,  same  as  every  one  else,  but  those 

eggs  come  from   Bartlett's.     Of  course, 

1 06 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 

they  was  box  eggs,  but  he  'lowed  they 
was  equal  to  new-laid. 

Oh,  she  ain't  feelin'  well  at  all,  Miss 
Capen,  she  ain't  been  down  in  the  store 
for  two  days.  She  ain't  eat  nothin'  for 
a  week,  and  what  she  do  eat  don't  seem 
to  do  her  no  good.  She  don't  seem  to 
have  no  strength  and  the  least  thing  pulls 
her  right  down.  It  ain't  no  sort  of  use 
for  her  to  come  down  into  the  store,  it 
just  excites  her  all  up.  She  come  down 
yesterday,  and  tried  to  match  some 
worsterd  for  a  lady  that  come  in,  and  it 
seemed  to  unnerve  her  entirely;  it  was 
an  odd  shade,  and  she  said  she  felt  kind 
of  weak  all  over.  But  if  she  just  stays 
real  quiet  up-stairs  and  works  on  button- 
holes, she's  all  right. 

Yes,   indeed,   I   miss   her   down   here 

107 


MONOLOGUES 

ever  so  much,  she  always  tended  on  the 
mail,  and  folks  seem  to  write  more  lately 
than  ever  they  did.  I  think  it's  a  waste 
of  time.  You'd  be  surprised  how  many 
postals  folks  will  send  about  nothin'  at 
all.  It  usen't  to  take  no  time  at  all 
sortin'  the  mail,  but  now,  land  sakes! 
It's  somethin'  awful.  And  them  picture 
postals,  there  ain't  no  sense  to  'em,  they 
take  your  time  just  the  same,  and  after 
all  there's  nothin'  on  'em. 

I  hear  the  Tyler  girl's  comin*  up  to 
spend  next  Sabbath  with  her  grand- 
mother. I'd  like  to  see  her  real  well. 
They  do  say  she  looks  just  the  same,  but 
I  don't  see  how  any  one  could  visit  all 
them  foreign  countries  and  keep  lookin' 
just  the  same.  I  am  glad  she  ain't  goin' 
to  take  up  with  one  of  them  foreigners. 
108 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 

Miss  Tayler  was  tellin'  me  of  some 
friend  of  her  cousin's  that  kep'  company 
with  one  of  them  Italian  Counts  for  quite 
a  while  and  then  she  come  home  and 
nothin'  come  of  it  at  all.  I  shouldn't 
care  for  livin'  in  one  of  them  villers  they 
talk  so  much  about.  I  have  enough 
trouble  with  cold  feet  as  it  is;  them 
floors  must  be  somethin'  awful  in  winter 
time. 

No,  I  ain't  got  any  rubbers.  We've 
never  carried  'em,  but  there's  been  so 
much  call  for  them  this  rainy  spell,  if  I 
thought  it  was  goin'  to  last,  I  don't  know 
but  I  should  get  in  some.  There's  a 
good  deal  of  loss  to  shoes  and  rubbers, 
'cause  of  the  sizes.  Folks  have  to  have 
just  their  size.  My  brother  has  a  shoe 

store   up   to   Pittsville,   and   he   says   he 
109 


MONOLOGUES 

often  fits  folks  to  half  a  size  larger  and 
tells  'em  it's  their  size  and  they  never 
know  the  difference.  He  says  he'd  never 
get  rid  of  his  stock  if  he  didn't,  he  says 
it's  better  for  'em  to  wear  a  size  larger 
anyway,  so  it's  just  as  well. 

What   was   the   other   thing  you   was 

wantin' ? Oh,     dried     apples.      A 

couple  of  pounds  I  suppose  ?  I've  got 
some  nice  ones  just  come  in.  That  lady 
that  keeps  the  boardin'  house  up  to  the 
Pines  bought  out  all  I  had  last  week.  I 
see  several  of  the  boarders  has  just  left, 
they  come  in  here  to  leave  their  address 
in  case  of  any  mail.  They  was  kind  of 

youngish maybe   they  didn't  find   it 

gay  enough,  but  they  do  say  they  had  a 

gentleman  there  this  summer.     I  never 

seen  him,  but  I  hear  he  left  on  Tuesday 

no 


"I  never  seen  him,  but  I  hear  he  left  on  Tuesday.' 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 

that  was  the  day  before  she  come 

in  for  the  apples. 

That  was  two  dollars  you  gave  me, 
wasn't  it?-  Twenty -three  and 

two  is  twenty-five,  thirty-five,  forty-five 
and  seventy-five  —  one  dollar,  and  one 
is  two  dollars,  thank  you.  -  -  Goin' 
to  put  those  right  in  your  bag  ?  I  could 
put  a  string  round  'em  for  you  just  as 
well  as  not.  Well,  you  can't  hurt  'em  any- 
way, that's  one  thing  about  dried  apples. 

Oh,  you  do  ?  -  -  You  want  me 

to  send  the  flour  the  first  thing  in  the 
mornin'  ?  All  right.  We  ain't  got  no 
more  of  the  Pearl  Flake,  but  the  Com- 
fort flour  is  splendid  -  -  then  there's  a 
new  flour,  it's  called  "The  Belle  of  the 
Ball."  Mrs.  Jolly  uses  that  and  says 
there's  nothin'  like  it.  She  says  it's 
"3 


MONOLOGUES 

lovely,  it's  so  light  and  nice.  She  says 
every  one  down  their  way  is  crazy  about 
it.  She  says  she  was  in  to  Mrs.  Wat- 
kins's  the  other  afternoon,  there's  a  good 
many  was  invited  in,  I  presume,  to  meet 
her  married  daughter,  and  she  said  they 
talked  of  nothin'  else  hardly  but  that 
flour.  She  was  the  first  one  to  try  it, 
and  she's  goin'  to  get  ten  orders  from 
other  ladies,  and  she  expects  to  get  a 
roll-top  desk  on  'em.  Mrs.  Torry  did 
the  same  down  to  Pittsville  and  she  got 
a  banquet  lamp  and  she  says  it  makes  the 
finest  biscuits!  -  -  You  think  you 

prefer  the  Comfort  ?  -  -  All  right,  I 
guess  I  can  send  it  the  first  thing  in  the 

mornin' half  a   barrel  —  yes. 

Those  are  lovely  apples,  Mr.  Baxter. 

Yes,  baker's,  and  they  make  elegant 

114 


THE  COUNTRY  STORE 

sauce  too  -  No,  they  come 

from  Mr.  Daniel's  farm.  You  knew  he'd 

married  again,  didn't  you  ? -  Yes, 

it's  too  bad,  she's  awful  close  -  -  the 
other  one  was  a  real  nice  woman,  we  used 
to  get  big  orders  from  up  there,  but  it's 
very  different  now. 

Well,  Abel,  have  you  got  the  mail  ? 
Was  the  train  late  ?  -  -  You  take 
that  list  and  get  the  things  ready  to  take 
up  to  Miss  Tully's  while  I  sort  out  the 
mail. 

(Stamps.)  Second  letter  this  week 
for  Sadie  Brooks  from  Worcester.  Won- 
der what's  up,  there.  (Stamps.)  Guess 
those  is  the  Bates  girls'  weddin'  invitations 

-elegant  handwritin'. Another 

bill  for  Mrs.  Brooks  from  those  dress- 
makers   she's  nearly  wore  that  suit 


MONOLOGUES 

out  too.  (Stamps  and  then  reads.} 
"Expect  to  be  out  Friday  on  four-o'clock 
train."  Is  Mrs.  Tracy's  daughter-in- 
law's  name  "Florence?"  -Oh! 
yes.  (Reads.}  I  guess  that's  from  Ab- 
bie  Morris.  I  didn't  know  she'd  gone 
away.  (Stamps.)  There,  that's  done 

No,    there    ain't    never    much    on 

that  six-o'clock  mail. 

Now,  Abel,  you  can  put  those  in  the 
boxes,  and  I  am  goin'  to  get  my  supper, 
and  don't  you  be  lookin'  over  the  letters 
either,  and  remember  that  lump  sugar  is 
awful  bad  for  your  teeth. 


116 


"  I  guess  that's  from  Abbie  Morris.     I  didn't  know  she'd 
gone  away. " 


VI 
A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 


VI 


A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 

(Enters  and  lakes  a  seat  at  the  table,  nodding  and 
saying  "Good-morning"  to  the  other  boarders.} 

ERY  disagreeable  morning, 
isn't  it  ?  -  -  No,  I  don't 
think  I  shall  venture  out 
to-day.  I  guess  it's  three 
or  four  days  since  I've 
been  out;  it  looked  so  like  snow  yester- 
day, and  Saturday  it  was  so  muddy,  and 
Friday  I  expected  my  sister  all  day. 
There's  such  a  wind  to-day;  I  think  it's 
colder  than  any  day  we've  had  yet. 

You  think  Thursday  was  colder,  Mr. 
Bates  ? No,  I   don't  either,  Miss 


121 


MONOLOGUES 

Brown.  I  don't  think  Thursday  was  as 
cold  as  some  days  we've  had.  - 
Do  you  ?  Well,  I  don't  go  by  a  ther- 
mometer; I  have  a  heavy  sacque  with  an 
interlining,  and  I  know  I  was  too  warm 
in  it  Thursday. 

You  won't  venture  out  with  your  cold, 

Miss  Parker,  will  you  ? Oh,  I  think 

you're  foolish!     Aren't  you  afraid  you'll 

add  to  it? Well,  I  wouldn't  go  out 

just  for  that;  it's  two  weeks  to  Christmas, 
you'll  have  time  enough  to  get  them.  I 
think  I've  got  most  of  my  things  now. 
I'm  not  going  to  give  much  of  anything 
this  year  anyway.  I  always  send  the 
things  just  as  soon  as  I  get  them,  too. 

Oh,    I    don't    mind    when    they 

open  them,  as  long  as  I've  got  them  off 
my  mind.  (Turning  to  waitress.}  Hominy. 

122 


A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 

I  wish  you  would  tell  me  something 
for  a  man.  You  ought  to  know,  Miss 
Parker,  with  all  your  gentleman  friends. 
-  They  never  use  the  things  you  give 
them  anyway.  --  Now  last  Christmas,  I 
gave  my  nephew  some  neckties.  I  chose 
them  very  carefully;  I  didn't  get  him  any- 
thing but  what  I'd  wear  myself.  He's 
always  in  a  hurry,  so  I  got  them  all 
bowed  up  ready;  there  was  a  kind  of 
buff-colored  one  with  a  blue  sprig  on  it. 
But  he  never  wears  them. 

Yes,  I  know,  I  gave  him  one  last  year, 
I  gave  him  that  "Gems  of  Thought" 
calendar,  but  he  used  to  pull  a  whole 
week  off  at  a  time  to  use  for  shaving. 

I'll  trouble  you  for  the  salt,  Mr.  Tay- 
lor, before  you  go  -  -  how's  Mrs.  Tay- 
lor this  morning  ?  -  -  it's  right  in  front 
123 


MONOLOGUES 

of  you  -  -  did  I  say  salt  ?  I  meant 
sugar  -  -  she  don't  seem  to  throw  it  off 
at  all,  does  she  ?  I  thought  she  looked 
dreadfully  yesterday.  I  wish  she  would 
try  something  my  sister  uses.  She's  a 
constant  sufferer,  so  she  ought  to  know 
what's  good  for  it.  Good-morning,  tell 
Mrs.  Taylor  I  hope  she'll  be  better  soon. 

She  never  will  be  as  long  as  she's  so  set. 
Now  I  was  in  her  room  last  night,  while 
my  bed  was  being  taken  down,  and  I 
should  think  I  talked  to  her  over  half  an 
hour,  telling  her  what  she  ought  to  do, 
but  it's  no  use;  you  see  she's  worse  this 

morning. I  don't  see  why  some  of 

her  own  family  don't  come  and  stay  with 
her;  they  can't  care  much  about  her. 

—  What  do  you  say,  Miss  Per- 
kins ?  Oh,  you're  acquainted  with 

124 


A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 

them  ? Where  ?  -  Well,  are  they 

all  in  Europe  ?  Oh,  there's  only  her 
mother  and  sister.  Well,  they  can't  care 
much  about  her. 

Some  cold  bread,  please,  Katie, — gra- 
ham.  No,  I  thank  you,  I  can't 

eat  any  hot  biscuit.  I  thought  I  was 
better  a  while  ago,  but  I  found  I  had 

this (Tapping  her  chest.}  I'm 

better  without  it.  If  I  had  my  way,  I 
wouldn't  have  it  on  the  table  at  all.  I 
think  every  one  would  be  better  without 
them. 

That  reminds  me,  I  forgot  my  medi- 
cine. Katie,  Katie!  Will  you  please  go 
up  to  my  room,  and  on  the  bureau,  back 
of  that  plush  frame  on  the  right,  you'll 
see  a  tall,  fat  bottle,  and  right  side  of  it 
you'll  see  two  little  bits  of  bottles;  well, 
125 


MONOLOGUES 

it's  the  one  farthest  from  the  large  bottle 
I  want. 

I  hear  Mrs.  Phillips  is  coming  back. 
No,  she's  going  to  have  the  fourth  floor, 
back.  I'm  rather  glad,  because  she's 
always  said  a  good  deal  about  never 
having  anything  but  a  first  floor,  front.  I 
presume  she'll  say  she  prefers  it  now  on 
account  of  the  view. 

Yes,  Mrs.  Watson's  keeping  her  old 
room  - 1  know  because  I  heard  some 
one  say  they  heard  Mrs.  Prescott  telling 
some  one  that  she  was  very  much  dis- 
appointed, she  had  a  chance  to  let  the 
whole  floor  for  the  winter.  I  suppose 
she  had  the  refusal  of  the  room,  but  I 
should  have  told  her  she  couldn't  have 
it.  (Takes  pills  and  drinks  some  water 
quickly.} 

126 


"Where  my  sister  boards  she  says  the  table's  splendid." 


A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 

Katie,  please  bring  me  some  hot  milk, 
this  coffee  is  entirely  too  strong. 

Where  my  sister  boards  she  says  the 
table's  splendid.  She  has  a  small  room, 
but  she  says  the  coffee  is  just  like  home- 
made; of  course  she  isn't  in  it  much, 
and  as  I  tell  her  I'd  rather  have  a  small 
room  where  the  table  is  good  —  and 
then  she  says  the  other  boarders  are  all 
so  unusually  pleasant. 

Good-morning,  Mrs.  Watson;  good- 
morning,  Daisy,  going  to  school  this 
morning  ?  Do  you  like  your  teacher  ? 
Well,  I  guess  you  haven't  any  tongue. 

Oh,  Daisy!  that's  not  pretty.  Well,  I 
suppose  you  wanted  to  show  me  you  had 
one.  (Turns  to  lady  at  her  left.) 

Well,    some   children   talk   too   much. 

My  brother's  children  are  dreadful!     It's 
129 


MONOLOGUES 

no  pleasure  to  be  with  them  in  their  own 
home.  He  wasn't  brought  up  that  way 
and  doesn't  approve  of  it,  but  my  sister- 
in-law  has  no  more  idea  of  bringing  up 

children   than .     They   are    very 

different  when  they  are  with  me;  but  of 
course,  she  won't  listen  to  anything  I 
say. 

What  are  you  drinking,  Daisy  ?     Don't 
you  like  milk  ?    Tell  Mamma  she  oughtn't 

to    let    you    have    coffee.  -       Yes, 

I  suppose  it's  very  weak,  but  it  seems 
as  if  she  was  very  young  to  have  it. 

What  did  you  say,  dear?     Oh,  going 
to  have  your  picture  taken,  is  that  so? 

Where  do  you  go,  Mrs.  Watson  ? 

Oh,  no,  I    don't  care  for  his  pictures  at 

all.     I    had    mine    taken    there,    and  I 

wanted  to  burn  them  all  up  -  but  they 

130 


"My  brother's  children  are  dreadful!" 


A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 

cost  so  much  -  so  I  gave  them  all  away 
to  my  relations. 

Do  you  think  they  were  good,  Miss 

Clark  ? I  don't  see  how  you  can 

say  so. Well,  every  one  thought 

they  were  good.  I  don't  think  they 
looked  like  me  in  the  first  place. 

No,  I  don't  care  for  those  artistic  pho- 
tographers. You  see  they  won't  let  any 
one  into  the  room  with  you,  and  of  course 
they  don't  know  your  worst  side  as  one 
of  your  family  does.  The  day  I  went, 
my  sister  went  with  me,  and  two  cousins 
of  mine,  and  I  thought  if  they  all  came 
in  I  should  feel  more  natural,  and  they 
could  tell  him  how  to  take  it.  But  he  shut 
the  door  right  in  their  faces,  of  course 
everything  he  does  is  considered  so  ar- 
tistic, but  I  thought  it  was  awfully  rude. 
133 


MONOLOGUES 

And  then  I  fixed  my  hair  on  the  side  I 
thought  he  was  taking,  and  when  it  was 
finished  it  came  out  the  other  and  was 
all  drawn  tight  and  looked  horrid. 

Good-by,  Daisy;  I  hope  you'll  sit 
nicely  for  your  picture. 

Not  a  pleasant  child  at  all,  is  she  ? 
Very  badly  brought  up.  I  should  think 
her  mother  would  want  to  have  a  good 
picture  of  her,  she's  very  delicate  looking. 
She's  very  healthy  looking,  the  mother- 
yes,  Mrs.  Watson,  it's  a  pleasure  to  see 
her  eat,  isn't  it  ? 

If  you  haven't  any  appetite  yourself, 
it's  a  comfort  to  see  others  enjoy  their 

food. Trouble    you    for    the    toast, 

Miss  Bates (Nods  to  Miss  Park- 
er, who  is  leaving  the  table.) 

You  take  my  advice,  Miss  Parker,  and 
134 


"  But  he  shut  the  door  right  in  their  faces — I  thought  it  was  awfully  rude." 


A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 

don't  go  out  with  your  cold.  (To  lady 
opposite.) 

Very  nice  young  lady  that  Miss  Parker. 
(To  lady  opposite.)  Do  you  know  any- 
thing about  her  family  ?  -  -  Oh,  no,  I 
don't,  I  only  wondered  if  you  did,  she 
always  seems  very  nice,  but  I  don't 
know,  a  young  lady  all  alone  in  a  board- 
ing house,  that  way  -  -  it  always  seems 
a  little  -  -  (Drinks  her  coffee.) 

Good-morning,  Mr.  Walker  -  -  no,  you 
are  not  the  last.  I  suppose  you  were 
pretty  tired  this  morning,  I  think  I 
heard  you  come  in  rather  late  last  night 
-  -  didn't  I  ?  Well,  I  heard  some  one 
about  half-past  one,  I  thought  it  was 
your  door. 

Did  you  get  your  letter  ?  I  noticed 
there  was  one  for  you,  because  the  post- 
137 


MONOLOGUES 

mark  was  Marshville,  and  my  sister  used 
to  live  there.  I  wondered  if  you  knew 
any  one  there  that  I  did. 

Oh,  you  haven't  been  there  ?  Well 
did  you  ever  hear  your  friends  speak  of 
the  Rices  ?  Very  large  family,  lovely 
family.  Or  any  of  the  Grays,  or  Parsons, 
Dennises,  Updikes  ?  Mr.  Updike  is  a 

fine -looking  man,  isn't  he? Oh, 

you've    never    lived    there!     Of   course. 

-  Who  ?    No,  I'm  not  acquainted  with 

them,  but  of  course  I'm  familiar  with  the 

name,  several   sons Oh,  aren't 

there  ?  Well,  it's  a  good  while  since 
my  sister  lived  there.  It's  a  lovely  place, 
the  residential  section  is  very  handsome, 
some  beautiful  homes  there,  and  new 
homes  being  built  all  the  time.  The  li- 
brary is  very  fine,  isn't  it? Of 

138 


A  PROFESSIONAL  BOARDER 

course,  I  keep  forgetting  you  haven't  been 
there. 

Well,  I  guess  I'll  go  along.  (Folds  her 
napkin  and  gets  up.}  Katie,  give  me  a 
glass  of  milk,  please,  and  I  guess  I'll  take 
up  an  orange.  Is  there  any  of  that 

celery,    Katie  ? Well,  if  you'll  see, 

please.     Charlie  is  so  fond  of  celery,  I 
thought  I'd  take  him  a   piece.  - 
Oh,  he's  better,  thank  you,  come  in  and 
see  him  some  time.     He  don't  look  very 
well. -Yes,  he's  moulting. 


139 


hii 


d.O 


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